Not in Kansas Anymore

The beginning of this week was a little lonely. I'm given a lot of
responsibility and I'm not a perfect person- despite the expectations
of myself or anybody here. But I have a lot of support from all y'all
and the sisters and elders here. They are experiencing the same things
and I need to open up once in awhile. I put a lot of pressure on
myself and I feel a little bit under a microscope since I am so new.

Everyone is watching to see how I am adjusting and how good of a missionary I am. I feel expected and expect myself to be as great as my parents or a stake leader. I have a lot of growing to do, but I absolutely know the importance of recognizing our weaknesses and I know that through faith in Christ in his Atonement our weaknesses are made strengths. Not just something we can handle, but a STRENGTH. I searched scriptures to help me gain confidence in the work that I do,and what stuck out to me was that faith is described as confidence. I never thought about faith to describe confidence. Turns out I need to practice faith that I CAN do ALL things through the grace of Jesus Christ. I know that I do make a difference and no I am not perfect but I am called specifically to touch lives here being the person that I am. I know all of this, but it's very easy to forget. I printed off a
bunch of pictures yesterday. I LOVE pictures. Most missionaries have pictures on their walls in front of their desks.

Journal entry I wanted to insert: How am I put responsible for all of these people for such an important thing? Can I do it? Obviously not without God's help. I need to remember that I am only an instrument and that I can only work with the abilities given me and that I have developed and continue to develop, but i can't help expecting myself to be more than a bow and arrow. I feel like I am expected to be a one man band. I don't know if it is my expectations or everybody else's
that bears more weight on my mind.

On Tuesday we saw our stellar awesome investigator on date for baptism. She is so solid and has her eye on the temple. We get there and she tells us she doesn't want to do classes with us anymore. And that she isn't ready for baptism anymore. She doesn't have time to spend with her family so she can't go to church anymore. I was so crushed. I love Her. She is so stellar and amazing. We are teaching a referral from HER! So that was not fun. I'm not giving up on her. She knows. She doesn't work too far from our house and I know she has down
time there. I know she can do it. She has such a testimony about sacrifice, but somehow sacrificing time for church and baptism does not click as the same. I'm going to point it out to her when the time
is right though. Later that week though she sat in our lesson with the referral she gave us and told us that she was getting baptized soon. That was a miracle. I am so glad that she still has baptism in the
near future even though we aren't able to set appointments with her and we don't have a date we are working for.

We then had a lesson with this inactive family that showed up to church the first Sunday I was here with their grandkids and said that they were new in the ward. They were very nice and we were able to show a video - he lives. we really just talked to them and they were really sweet and I know the ward is going to do a wonderful job loving them and making them feel welcome.

We visited another less active family after that. That lesson went so well. We talked to them about scripture study, and the girl has decided to prepare to serve a mission so we are helping her do that.
She will be so stellar. I want to take her out with us a lot. I would love to make a difference in this girl's life.

Another miraculous lesson this week- We were following up on her prayers and scripture study. It was amazing. She says her prayers everyday. She sets an alarm on her phone and says a prayer whenever it goes off no matter what. We were planning on teaching the plan of salvation, but before we got started she said- I just want to tell you guys something first. I want to tell you that I've been working on trying not to smoke. I smoke all the time.- she smokes 20 cigarettes a day! And you would never guess it. She doesn't smell smoker. So we started setting goals and not only that, but we had a great lesson on how to achieve goals we set by making a plan for it and I testified that if we make a plan for our goals that we can tell God in our prayers every morning what our plan is for ourselves and God will help us achieve that. It was so great! She was on fire. She was so
motivated. I think she would have quit cold turkey if we would have asked her to. She said I'll smoke ten for two days and then cut it down to five. And we were like woah! Take it slow.  I love her
and I know she can do it. :) Being bold actually gave her confidence in herself that she could do it. I wish that I could share more of my experience with her to other new missionaries so they weren't scared to be bold. Later that week we had another lesson with her and I followed up with her about her goals. She told me she only smoked 5 cigarettes!!!! The change that you see in people is so amazing and I love that I can see that I am making a difference.

We went to a lady's house who is never there. It was 8:45 at night and I just felt like we should check again before retiring. And she was there! We had tried to catch her so many times. I haven't even met her once. We knocked on her door and it was like should we even? We were pretty sure she was in bed and we had to stand there and knock and wait. When she finally answered the door she was soooo happy to see us. It was such a miracle. She was like I really need you guys to come tonight. She was having a rough time. She really really wants to go to church, but doesn't feel like she can. But she wants to work towards that and she asked us if we could find something to assign her to
read. She says she wants reading assignments. It was so great. Everything was handed to us. She opened up to us and asked for us to teach her. It was so great. She even gave me her grandmother's afghan. It was crazy. She wanted me to have it so bad. I want to let you all know that you are never not worthy to turn to God. If you feel this way it is the adversary. It is Satan. He does not want you to be happy. He makes you feel like you are too far gone. You are never gone. Through Christ you can do ALL things. The Atonement is not for perfect people. It is for sinners. He doesn't want you after you have become perfect. That is impossible. He wants you to humble yourself and become perfect through Him. To let Him help you throughout your life. Because our Heavenly Father's arms are stretched forth to us all the day long and He so desperately wants YOU.

I love y'all So much! And I really appreciate your prayers and emails and letters. No growth in the comfort zone and no comfort in the growth zone. Please please be safe physically and spiritually. I love you all and can't wait to see you in the future!

Until next week! <3 br=""> Sister Crowther